The other night we were watching an old movie on telly called “Love Story” You may recall it, usual sort of thing, girl meets boy, boy marries girl, girl dies, boy not happy about it. We’ve all seen this sort of thing before and if it’s tastefully done it can make for an entertaining couple of hours .Unfortunately, this particular movie was as big a load of rubbish as your likely to see, still it shows what I know cause it was a huge success and especially remembered for the saying “Love means never having to say your sorry”. Now in my opinion this saying was even more stupid than the movie, I think I can give you an example of why.

My wife is going away for the weekend, to a Scarecrow Convention,(she’s a model) Her final instructions to me are to look after everything and be sure not to damage her new antique vase, which, for safety reasons, she has placed on top of a wardrobe at the far end of the house. I tell her that she can totally rely on me and that I’ll just sit here and read a book whilst she’s away.

Five minutes after her bus leaves, I ring around and invite everyone I know to a huge party, unfortunately , things get a bit out of hand, a coach load of gate crashers turn up and in the ensuing riot, a certain amount of unpleasantness occurs which results in, amongst other things, some minor structural damage and a large chicken vindaloo stain appearing on the ceiling, which no amount of scrubbing can remove.. Things go from bad to worse and by the time the police manage to evict everyone it is 3.30 am.

Due to a combination of stress and vodka, I am feeling a little bit under the weather and I fall to the ground, luckily my wife’s favourite teddy bear softens my landing, in appreciation I vomit on it.

Sometime later I slowly open one eye and survey the damage. It is not a pretty sight.

There are two things I can do about the situation. I can get up, have a cold shower, a black coffee and start to tidy up, or, I could just have another drink and hope that everything just magically sorts itself out. I give it a few seconds thought and then head for the vodka. Unfortunately, staggering around in the dark, I crash into a large object. There is the sound of something shattering. Even in my delicate condition I recognise the sound that an antique vase makes when it meets a slate floor, and believe me it’s not a pleasant sound.

There are two things that I can do about the situation. I could get the Tarzan Grip and get down to some severe repair work, or, I could just have another drink and hope that everything just magically sorts itself out. I head for the vodka but halfway there I am overcome with tiredness so decide that I will have a very small rest break before I start.

Sometime later I awake to see my wife staring down at me, for some reason she looks slightly upset.
Then, just at that moment when all seems lost, I recall those supposedly wise words from ‘Love Story”, and I say with as much confidence as I can muster, “Yes, I’ve done all of this damage and to show my love, I am not going to say sorry”
Now, I personally think that she would see this not as a token of my esteem but as a sure sign that I should be beaten severely about the frontal lobe with the nearest large root vegetable.

No, take it from the maestro, love means having to say your sorry about every half hour or so.

Copyright of Stephen Ainley

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