In my opinion, one of the finest modern inventions is the Pre- nuptial Marriage Agreement. Now obviously this does not affect me because my wife assures me that I have been very happily married for what seems like an eternity . Of course when I got married it was expected to last for a year or two, whereas now its considered an achievement if you make it past the honeymoon. The people who are suffering the most are the shop owners who sell anniversary gifts, they are so concerned, that the 25 year silver wedding anniversary has now been reduced to 25 weeks to give them a chance to sell something.
Anyway with this in mind, if I was a young lad considering married life now, I would probably have a lawyer by my side whilst I proposed. Now great care must be taken when drawing up the Pre- Nup because some wives could take advantage of the fact that most men are a bit thick( obviously present company excepted) and try to fob them off with promises of half the Barbie Doll collection or visiting rights to the dishwasher. No! at this point you must put your foot down with a firm hand and state quite categorically that she can keep the house and car so long as you get the fridge and remote control.
Getting all of this nasty stuff out of the way first will almost certainly guarantee a long and happy marriage. Actually a long marriage runs in my family, my Great Uncle Rupert and his wife Mavis were married for 47 years, mind you they separated after about a year but just did not bother with a divorce. Uncle Rupert often used to say that the secret to a long marriage is to live in separate continents.
Of course my Gran and Grandad have always been an inspiration, they were married for over 50 years and only had one argument, unfortunately that argument lasted for over 50 years, it was something to do with the flowers my grandad ordered for the wedding. I remember shortly before they passed on, I visited them at the “While We’re Young.” retirement home. As I opened the front door I recall my gran screaming “You just couldn’t spend a few more pence on roses you miserable sod”, Isn’t love grand.
Whilst I’m on the subject, I have received some correspondence from readers, requesting my advice on certain marital problems and of course I always help out where I can. One elderly gentleman, whom for reasons of confidentiality I will refer to as John Smith, even though his real name is Tommy Jackson, even went to the trouble of ringing me up and explaining his problem, he told me, “my wife and I have been happily married for over 30 years, but for some reason lately she just not seem to understand me”. Listening to him ,I could tell the problem immediately and I suggested that he get some new dentures. He took my advice and now his wife understands every word.
Most of the other letters have been from middle aged ladies who say they are concerned about their husbands erratic behaviour. I always tell them not to be too worried as this will soon pass. It is just what is known as the “Male Menopause”. I, myself have recently taken up “boot scooting” and started to wear leopard skin underpants- not at the same time, I hasten to add-, but my wife is not too concerned, she’s very hopeful that its just a passing phase, especially the “boot scooting” part.
So ladies, if your husbands suddenly sells the house and buys an expensive sports car, or buys a leather jacket and pulls his four remaining strands of hair into a pony tail, fear not, it should only last a couple of weeks and then he should be back to the pipe and slippers.
Steve …holder of the worlds longest recorded male menapause